A Journey Back to Competition

Up until a few weeks ago, it had been 4 years since I last competed. For someone who has competed almost every weekend since they were seven years old, it was a tough time.

I never used to see myself as competitive, however looking back I can see that I most definitely was. Why I told myself and everyone around me that I wasn’t, was to avoid the disappointment and embarrassment if I didn’t do well. Back then though, I was too close to it, too much in the thick of it to see that. Having had the competition break, I felt myself become incredibly impatient to compete, something that I’ve never felt before. I felt ready, mentally, emotionally and physically, even though I didn’t have a horse fit to compete. I was yearning for the chance to go out and do what I had trained so hard to do and worked all my life for. Suddenly competing became the pinnacle of everything, and I think it always was, but I never realised it because it was just something I always did subliminally.

 If I’m honest, competitions just used to be a source of anxiety for me. I never felt like the horses were going well enough, like I was riding well enough, even though I would go out and be placed on the podium at a CDI or win at Regionals. Here is a funny story to show you just how distorted my thinking was…

Back in 2015, I had qualified Chad for Regionals at elementary level. Chad did not go well the day before the Regional, and I was convinced I would go and embarrass myself so I decided not to go, he wasn’t ready. When I told my mum she went ballistic at me and at 10pm the night before she told me that I didn’t have a choice, she paid for the entry so I had to go. Begrudgingly and sick with anxiety I got up at 3.30am to prepare Chad, went to Regionals, absolutely nailed the test and won the class, qualifying for Nationals.

Aside from being a clear example of how prominent mental health is around our goals and achievements, you could also say I had no perspective of my situation.

Here is how I viewed my situation leading up to the 2015 regionals back then:

“I can’t go, Chad isn’t going well and I’m riding like crap. There’s going to be so many professionals there and all my old trainers will see how badly I’m doing and will judge me big time! I have so much more work to do, I’ll just keep training at home until I feel ready to go out again.”

And here is how I would view the same situation now, having gained some perspective:

“Well things didn’t go to plan for our last ride before the comp but that doesn’t take away from all the work we’ve done and I’m sure he will be fine tomorrow. I’ve qualified for this so I deserve to be there, I have a sound and fit horse, we are both completely capable of this, the entries have been paid for and I have all the support around me to get there and be successful. I can’t wait to go out and show what we can do.”

Four years of not having a fit and healthy horse to compete really does give you perspective. I now see that competing is a bonus, a gift, something that not everyone has the luck or luxury of doing. When I retired my international horse Seigneur (Seb) from competition at the end of 2018, I had two advanced medium level horses (Bertina and Chad) coming through ready to take his place. I had owned and trained both of them from newly broken 3 year olds. However, Bertina had been suffering with a respiratory condition for a while and while we were trying to get to the bottom of it, she couldn’t stand up to proper training. Chad was going ok but we were stuck at our flying changes and needed to do some retraining to get them clean. Therefore, neither of them were ready to compete.

Then Covid hit. I wasn’t too fussed because they both needed the extra training time anyway, so for the summer of 2020 I trained bloody hard. Chad was pretty much there with his flying changes by the end of the summer, but in August he suffered a bad bout of colic and had to be operated on, and upon waking up from surgery he still wasn’t right and we had to let him go. It was the most devastating moment of my life. I was hit with gut-wrenching regret that I didn’t do more with him, and that I doubted our ability so much over the years.

A couple of months later, Bertina had to go into surgery to get a chip in her fetlock removed. Through the summer, I kept feeling something wasn’t right, so I got it investigated and the vet found the bone chip.

While Bertina was recovering on box rest, I literally had nothing to ride. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have a horse to train. This was very weird, and depressing. I felt it was too soon to go and look for a replacement for Chad, and we were also still in the midst of Covid so I couldn’t even travel to view any horses. My life felt completely pointless, and at the same time it made me love the sport more than I ever have.

In 2021 my focus was on getting Bertina fit and ready to compete. I put everything into her – a custom Childeric saddle, a new comfy bridle, sessions on the Aqua Treadmill, equipment for live streamed lessons with my trainer in Germany. I was determined. However, she still wasn’t right. To save the whole long story, basically we kept investigating her breathing until we found a solid long term treatment plan, and then we had to treat a couple of her neck vertebrae which would have developed from compensating for so long from the chip in her fetlock. Figuring all of that out took over a year, and I’d love to say she’s good to go now, but it’s still yet to be determined. On a positive note, despite the stop/start nature of her journey, we have managed to climb towards training at Prix St Georges level, so not all is lost.

After realising that Bertina was not going to be the competition horse I needed for a while, we finally decided to search for a new horse. The last time I bought a new horse was 10 years ago so I was very out of the loop with the market. I spent a few months tentatively looking and enquiring, and then I found Katrin Meyer at SJR Caballos. Once we managed to sort out our Covid vaccinations and travel documents, Katrin organised the most amazing week of trying horses in Germany, Holland and Belgium. She has incredible contacts and all of the horses she sent to me were exactly what I was looking for.

After covering well over a thousand kilometres and trying around 20 horses, I came away in love with not just one, but two young horses. In October 2021 a 4 year old and a 5 year old arrived at Forest View, ready to start their career with me.

The 4 year old’s name is Money Maker, who I called Cash. He is very much a young horse and I didn’t feel like there was any way I could compete him this year. I would train him quietly at home and bring him out next season once he had grown up a bit.

The 5 year old’s name is Bonheur, who I called Bono. Although only broken in January 2021, from my first ride he gave me the most rideable, trainable feeling. Once he arrived in the UK we got training, looking to come out at elementary level this season. He was doing so well, we even started training our flying changes, and I was so excited to compete him. Until slowly, he started to say no, and over a few weeks we had regressed to barely being able to leave the mounting block. I knew this wasn’t behavioural. The resistance he presented to me both under saddle and in hand was like nothing I’d ever seen before, not even similar to a kissing spine scenario.

After much investigation with our vet, it turns out that he has a problem with his muscles. We are still waiting for the full diagnosis from a muscle biopsy, but it should be manageable and he has already made improvements from just being on a vitamin E supplement. There’s no way this could have been picked up from a vetting, it just manifests itself as the horse gets older. So just a sprinkle of more bad luck!

So, with both Bono and Bertina out of action, the only chance I had of competing was to compete Cash. In a weird way I’m actually thankful for everything that happened because it forced me to be braver, get out of my comfort zone and see what I could do with him. I was just so desperate to go to a competition, even if it was just at prelim, so I worked hard to get him ready.

I have now been to three competitions with Cash, and it has been the best feeling. Every time he has gone out he has gotten over 70% and won, we are on track to qualifying for Regionals in Preliminary Gold, and has also done his first novice test. Even when I try to practice the tests at home and Cash nearly has me off or is pulling my arms out of my sockets, not one part of me questions whether I should go to the competition out of worry that I won’t do well. I just want to be there, and go down the centerline. It feels so freeing to have this trust in myself and my horse’s ability, that no matter what happens on the day we will be ok. It is a vast difference to when I was younger and used to be so consumed by fear of judgement and fear of failure. Now I’m simply grateful for the opportunity, to have a horse that is healthy enough to compete, to even just have a beautiful horse to ride.

If you get anything from reading this, let it be that while your horse is alive and healthy, do as much as you can with him/her. Don’t let self-doubt and fear get in the way of your dreams. Be grateful you have your own health and your horse’s health. If you aren’t lucky enough to have a sound, healthy horse, and you’re struggling with setback after setback, stay focused on the end goal and don’t give up. Keep researching, trying different options, keep a diary of everything you’ve changed and how your horse reacts to really get to the bottom of an issue. If you know the issue, be dedicated to fixing it within your means. In whatever way you can, be proactive in getting your horse to where you want him/her to be. You really do owe it to them and you owe it to yourself.